Writing

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On Writing

The dramatic arts extend beyond the player and his stage. More than a performer, I pen entertainment onto the page as well. Having studied theatre at Marquette University, playwriting was a crucial element of my course study. Beyond playwriting, even, I have become adept comedy by studying at iO Chicago and The Second City Conservatory. As a student at the Second City Conservatory, I’ve honed my skill at comedy and sketch writing. Henceforth, my writing portfolio has grown and varied through: stand-up comedy; a series of middle grade comic-books, ‘Riled Up!’; a comedic novella, ‘#LifeInTheSuburbs’; a full-length, whimsical-fantasy novel, ‘Zak & the Godkin’; and a full-length play, ‘Gruff: An Origin Story.’

Here, in these pages, I will lay out samples and experiments in writing. I hope you’ll enjoy reading my work. Perhaps you’ll find entertainment value or inspiration in these pages. That is what I hope to get out of it.

Long have I been a fan of other authors. Fantasy novels are, by far, what I read the most. I have spent countless hours reading Robert Jordan’s ‘Wheel of Time’ and George Martin’s ‘Song of Ice and Fire.’ I can’t count how many times I’ve read ‘The Hobbit.’ Brandon Sanderson has plundered irreplaceable hours of sleep by keeping me riveted to ‘Mistborn,’ ‘Steelheart,’ or ‘The Way of Kings,’ well past bedtime. Robert Heinlein, Orson Scott Card, Isaac Asimov, Terry Goodkind, Patrick Rothfuss, Jim Butcher, JK Rowling, etcetera have drowned me in fantastic tales and wondrous enchantment. They have filled me to bursting with their exalting imagination.

Now, I pay it forward, and I add to the ocean of written word the drops of ink that represent the stories untold of my creation.

Welcome.


Zak: the Hew-Man

A preview, Chapter One

“Have you been practicing blood magic?” 

Lightning flashed, distant.  The storm had moved off into the mountains.  Zak shivered in the damp night.  Thunder answered before Zak did, both with indignation.

“Yes, Dad!” Zak shouted back. 

“Then stop standing there like a frightened imp and focus.”  Strenk’s voice was as deep as the thunder.  His green skin looked as black as the clouds overhead in the darkness.  “I need your help catching the wyrms.”

“I’m trying to focus!” Zak shouted, insolent.  Anger is a fickle emotion.  It rarely gets directed appropriately.  It’s a very useful emotion for blood magic, of course.  Strong emotions like anger and fear were great at fueling spells, but lousy for conversation.  Zak wasn’t mad at his father.  He was mad at himself.

The wyrms had escaped in the storm.  The hood of the wyrmpit had blown over from the wind and the stupid wyrms trampled out chasing each other.  Zak clutched his wolfhide cape close to ward of the wind.  A sudden blast of fire erupted next to Zak’s head.  Zak dove to the ground out of mortal instinct, but, as he did, his nose caught the odor of rancid sulfur and half-digested gruel.  Realizing it was just a belch of fire from one of his clumsy wyrms, he felt a pang of irritation at the overreaction.

“Steady, Zak.  They think this is a game.”

“Blast it!” Zak yelled without heeding the warning.  “I got it!”  The flash ruined his vision for the moment, but Zak got his feet under him and dove toward where the flame had been.  A wing flapped under his arm but he caught nothing.  The beast’s tail swatted him on his way forward and assisted his trajectory toward the ground.  Zak was rewarded with a mouthful of mud for his efforts and a fresh helping of rage.

“We don’t have time to play in the mud, son,” Strenk said, calmly.

The mud squelched as Zak freed his face from it.  “I’m not playing!” Zak shouted back.  Normally, Zak could coo the wyrms and calm them, somewhat.  Others would always make the mistake of trying to chase the wyrms.  Giving them chase only led to tripping, falling, cursing, and riling them up.  Wyrms love being chased.  Wyrms could be tricky, slithery, scaly, and, well, wyrmy. 

The beasts were useful, of course, and valuable.  They were dense with muscle.  Per pound they were the strongest thing in the village, though they only stood as high as Zak’s knee.  They had a lizard-like body, but with hard scales instead of leathery skin.  A wyrm’s face was ugly, something between a snake and an alligator with tiny goat horns.  The little demons also had wings.  That’s what made them so troublesome.  They were pathetic, little, leathery wings, but they allowed them to defy gravity and master alike.  Not by much.  They could run or jump faster and further.  Itty, bitty flights and itty, bitty infractions.  Of course, even itty, bitty infractions are escalated by something that breathes fire.  Well, ‘coughs’ fire.  A carelessly swung torch could do more damage.  But wyrms made more stench.  Hobb liked to say they ‘reek havoc.’

“Do not make the mistake of chasing them,” his father said.

“Obviously!”  Zak, flustered, tried to focus on his ability to corral them.  He could make them listen to him with his wyrmcall.  It wasn’t the baby voice one would use to calm a wolf.  This was a guttural growl, like a long belch.  The scroll-keeper had once told Zak that he imagined the ancient script of the mountain-cave Godkin must’ve sounded something like Zak’s growling wyrmcalls. 

As for the wyrms, the wyrmcall would stop them in their tyrannical play to look at him, curiously.  They’d be mesmerized by his call and cock their heads as if they were trying to understand.  Of course, it just looked that way.  Understanding was not something wyrms could do.  They were ridiculously stupid creatures.  They could easily escape their cages, but never bothered to go far.  The ‘cage’ they lived in was merely symbolic: a trench less than a pace deep that they could effortlessly ‘fly’ out of.  The hood that covered the wyrmpit was raised up to cover them, but only superficially.  It was more an umbrella than a roof.

Zak drew in a breath for his wyrmcall.  Just then another wyrm ran across his back and stomped on his head.  Zak’s breath ended in a mouthful of murky rainwater.  His arm shot in the wyrm’s direction catching its tail.  The creature whipped the tail the other way, lurching Zak toward the animal.  Zak couldn’t see it, but he imagined where the beast’s neck was and latched on.  He rolled over the muddy animal and it, in turn, fell over and plopped all its weight down on Zak’s stomach.  Winded and sputtering, Zak released his grip and wiped his eyes.  He coughed up mud while he tried to get his bearings.  Eyes cleared, Zak realized that he was pinned under the beast backward.  He was looking right at the creature’s backside when it released a cloud of noxious gas in Zak’s face.  The noxious gas was not a power unique to wyrms; that was a power shared by all creatures with a digestive track.

“Enough!”  Strenk scolded.

The wyrm calmly flopped off of Zak.  It was a struggle for Zak to get his lungs up to capacity again, with the muck and odors rolling around in his mouth.  He sat up and looked at all the wyrms sitting still, all staring in the same direction, a position and direction that Zak now mimicked.  There he saw Strenk, in a stance that exuded power.  One hand was outstretched, pushing as if it was holding back all the wyrms, which, magically, it was.  His other hand was balled in a fist.  On the top of that fist Zak could see the silhouette of some poor rodent’s head.  From the bottom of Strenk’s fist and through the cracks in his fingers dripped a dark liquid.  Steam curled up from the liquid in the cold air.  Blood magic.  Perfect, flawless form. 

Blood magic came easily to his father.  Magic powerful enough to hold these creatures in place took mastery.  With that mastery over magic and that powerful form, it was clear to see how Strenk had become the Chief of the Godkin.  Zak felt a pang of awe, but shame coated his mind like the mud now covering his weak, pale skin.

“That was good work, son.”  Strenk lied as the wyrms stomped back to their pen.  The anger in his voice softened to pity.  Strenk’s anger didn’t subside because of pity.  His father had command over his emotions.  Strenk wouldn’t lose focus on a spell because of concern for Zak.  He would ease his anger only after he was done with the magic or the rat was out of blood, but certainly not because his pity for Zak was stronger than his control over magic.  But pity was there, now.  Zak had already known he wasn’t necessary to help with the wyrms.  Strenk had never needed the help.  He had only offered Zak one more chance to do anything right and Zak had fallen into the same discomposure as the wyrms.  Now he felt shame instead of pride over even this small ability.

“Well done,” Strenk repeated.  “I couldn’t have handled them all.”  Strenk reached out to help Zak to his feet.  Strenk didn’t have to reach downward.  Zak kneeling on the ground was the same height as his father.  Strenk’s gnarled, green fist pulled Zak upright with enormous strength.  Though Zak stood chest and shoulders above Strenk, he felt he’d never live up to the incredible figure of strength before him.  Strenk was tall for the Godkin, but Zak’s freakish height was an exception.  All the other Godkin his age were growing stout and wide, while Zak kept – inexplicably – growing up.

“Remember, Zak, we must engage a conflict first with our minds,” Strenk lectured.  “Strength and magic are tools, like shovels or spoons.”

“I know, dad,” Zak replied, calmed by his own embarrassment.  “I shouldn’t have overreacted.  I should have stayed calm.”

“You let the wyrms fluster you.  You reacted the way they wanted you to.  Unfortunately, that is too often the Godkin weakness.  We are known for overreacting and lashing out in anger.  The Godkin curse is that our magic and our strength are powered by our emotions, and we habitually let them rule us.  We are not known for our cunning or our diplomacy.  We are known by our rage and brutality.  This is why outsiders name us ‘goblins.’”

Zak flinched at the slur.  “I’m sorry I lost my composure,” he replied.  Zak had never met an outsider, but he knew that they hated the Godkin; and he knew that they called them goblins.

“Are you going to eat that?”  Strenk asked, pointing to Zak’s cape.  Zak looked down to see he’d spilled his earthworm stew in his haste.  A leech was clinging to the mud-crusted wolf fur.  Zak tossed the leech in his mouth.  He wasn’t hungry, but anything connected to blood might help strengthen his connection to its elusive power.  It was probably just a hag’s tale, but best to be safe.  “The stew wasn’t very good, anyway,” Strenk added, “maybe some firetoad would spice it up.”

“Dad.  I have to tell you something.  I don’t know… I’m not sure if I can…” Zak started to say, but hesitated before he said, ‘I’m not sure if I can cast blood magic.’  Courage wasn’t a power Zak possessed, and it would take a lot of courage to admit that he could never live up to his father.  Nevertheless, he was interrupted.

Boom, Boom. . . Boom, Boom.

Zak felt the rumbling reverberations in his heart more than his ears.  These new boomings weren’t from the passing storm.  These were the crashes of the Krowdy-Krawn.  The massive hoop-drum in the Square was supposed to strike awe in those it reached.  For Zak and the other young Godkinder, the drum had always tolled for gatherings and festivals.  It had always been a happy sound.  But now the ominous crash brought fear.  It was said that the Krowdy-Krawn warned of terror, danger, or war; but Zak had always lived in a time of peace.  Only now did he understand the drum’s purpose.  It felt like dread.  It was a warning.  It was time.

“It’s time, Zak,” Strenk put the words in the air.  “Time to show off what you’ve learned.  Time to reveal your blood magic.”

The tolling of the drum continued with the beat of Zak’s heart.  He stared with dismay toward the Square, unable to speak.  The looming Krowdy-Krawn seemed to grow larger and larger over the circular arena at the center of Allspire until Zak realized that Strenk had his arm around Zak’s shoulder, guiding him ever closer to the ceremonial circle called ‘the Square.’

Pewter

A preview of a short story

“Take heart, old-timer.  A new day dawns.”

The hour was barely past midnight.  Pewty was fully aware that dawn would be well off, but she didn’t interject.

The hero’s eyes gave more heed to the stain on his blade than the ‘old-timer’ in front of him.  “Warm your weary bones on the radiance of hope.  Your farm is safe, aye.  But safer still is the valor of the future of this kingdom.”  The breeze caught the golden locks trailing behind the hero as his face swiveled toward the distant, burning castle.

“Uh huh,” Pewty exhaled from her place just inside the grayed, wooden door.  This hero had arrived much the same as every other.  The floral speech varied somewhat, but that arrogance was the same.  ‘Old-timer’ was new, though.  She reached her hand up to her neck where her thumb could rub along the bits of shrapnel there bent into a necklace.  Twisted scrap didn’t make for a comfortable accessory, but neither did her old bones; though both were as much a part of her as her tic-tock heart that metered out without petering out.

“Your peasant ways are safe, farm-wench.  I’m sure you don’t see much threat this far out, yet forsooth, you, too, sense a change in the weather.”  The hero put his foot up on the barrel that once collected rain.  He looked nonchalant in a painfully rehearsed way.  “Hark, change is coming, granny.  The tyranny of old has exhausted . . .”

“Who is it, gran?”  Halk’s voice, shrill and excitable as always, pierced the hero’s harangue.

“Just another hero, boy.”   Pewty already had the handle of her rusted tin snips to hand.  She slowly revealed them from behind the door.

Now the hero finally looked at Pewty.  Confusion crossed his face.  She was familiar with the confounded look of a pompous hero seeing the snips for the first time.  Not every tinker or tinsmith had a pair as intimidating.  They gave an impression of large scissors, in the same way that ‘large gecko’ might be the impression one got from a crocodile.  This particular pair had the bolt removed, rendering them – more or less – double short swords rather than one scissor.  In the dim moonlight, the maroon rust could be mistaken for bloodstains, and her sweeping reveal could be mistaken for a threat.

“You mistake me, madam!”  The hero lost his composure as he realized his welcome was less than he anticipated.  He stumbled back as Halk burst out the door with his miniature crossbow in hand.  The confounded hero’s retreat from an eight year old boy was almost enough to make Pewty crack a smile.

“Where is he?” shouted Halk.  “I’ll take this one!”

“I’m he,” the blond stranger said in an irritated tone that betrayed his self-confidence.  “I’m the hero!”  The man’s voice pitched into a whine as he tried to grab the lad’s attention.  Halk had already passed, though, as if dismissing the hero as nothing worth more than a glance.  Pewty’s attention was beyond the newcomer, as well.  Otherwise she might’ve alleviated his ignorance.  The hero was probably thinking they were being rude.  These floral speaking, uppity heroes always assumed folks this far out in the steppes were uncultured simpletons.  Well, later on Pewty could summon all the damn fancy vocabulary he’d like as she explained to him that they were about to die.

“Where’s the ghoul?!”  Pewty’s chubby grandson shouted as he searched for shadow monsters.  Pewty followed, pushing past the shiny hero and pulling up her rusty shears.

“Ha!  Behold,” the hero visibly relaxed back into his pomp, “you’ve spotted the beast.  Let your fear dissipate, simple folk!  The monster is slain by mine own hand.  You’re belated in the defense of your homestead, for the beast would’ve surely destroyed you were it not for my gallant intervention.  You see it there, under yon. . . plow?”  The hero gestured toward the appropriate location, but he was mistaken about the contraption.

It was understandable that the man didn’t recognize the machine; it was one of a kind.  It was a wing-sling.  This was a rudimentary, trebuchet-style sling specifically designed to throw a glider.  At, least, that’s how Pewty understood it; but, as far as she knew it had never actually accomplished more than smashing a dozen gliders, whatever those were supposed to be.  The muslin of the wing had long disintegrated whilst the mechanisms rusted and fell apart.  To the hero’s credit, it now was no more than an enormous rake with a harness.

Halk ignored the corpse under the wing-sling and instead faced the hero with his crossbow drawn.  Alarmed, the hero opened his mouth to protest.  A shrill screech pierced the night.  Whatever argument the newcomer was about to speak was lost in the vicious noise; though, he looked as if his attention had redirected itself elsewhere.  Had Pewty bothered to glance over, she would have suspected it was the scythe ripping through his abdomen as the cause of the distraction.  Pewty, rather, was focused on the half-dead ghoul in front of her.  This second abomination held back Pewty’s tin-snip thrust with the blade of a garden hoe.

Pewty inhaled sharply as she realized, “Oh!  That’s where my hoe went!”  Distracted by the discovery, Pewty failed to parry while the creature stabbed a twisted weathervane into her chest.

The weathervane was a curious choice of weapon.  Of the various rotting and broken implements that cluttered Pewty’s meager fief, the vane was as modest as they came.  It had once been a source of pride for the old woman.  Iron from a cage she had once inhabited had been reforged by her own hand into a handsome ornament.  It used to gleam like a trophy over her frugal shack until her son decided to ‘improve’ it.  Always tinkering beyond his expertise, that ambitious boy decided a perfectly good instrument needed clockwork and gears.  He said, “weathervanes should turn, ma.”  He wanted it to twist, not just side to side, but up and down and all about, till everytime a wind came along the arrow pecked the roof like a damn chicken.  Didn’t take long till it fell off completely.  Ekin was gone by then, though.  So it laid and rusted.  Halk wanted to “fix” his father’s contraption.  Replacing the hinges and gears with a crooked stick was his simple solution.  He made homage to the twisted metal coyote that used to adorn it by sticking a potato on top of said stick.  He put the arrow back round the middle and, behold, it didn’t read the wind.  It didn’t peck the roof either.

All this passed through Pewty’s mind as she was stabbed in the chest with a rotten potato on a stick.

Shaking Spears

A comedic skit

PALONIUS

What a foul misery is this?  Faces appear from the abyss.
As in Herodites’ mirror, cupid’s arrow draws nearer.
Radiant faces all, alas none of whom would call
Like a swashbuckler fight, I swipe right and swipe right
Yet curse my fate, none yet reciprocate

TIDUS

Good Morrow…

PALONIUS

Ahh!

TIDUS

… Perchance I could borrow
A moment of bliss, a whisper with mister..?

PALONIUS

Palonius

TIDUS

Palonius: a find here, on this, this Grindr
Simply enchanting, a cherub galavanting,
I saw your visage and stopped at the image
A face from museums?  I’ll slip into his DMs.
If I could I would bellow, Palonius, hello.

PALONIUS

What’s this?  A match?  Could this key unlatch,
my heart’s sorrow?  (Types) Hey, no, shit, good morrow!
Play it coy, play it cool, else he’ll guess you’re a fool.
And guess right, you pansy, pretend that you’re sassy.
(Types) I’ll let you deem, where to slip that D, Mmm.

(Pause)

Now play it coy, you naughty boy.
And now we simply wait, for him to take the bait
Then I reel him in and we’ll commit cardinal sin.

(Pause)

The wait makes me queesy, does he think of me easy?
Was this a real interaction? Or a mental distraction?
Was he a real sight?  Or a foggy gaslight?
What the heck here?  Was he a spectre?
My mind playing host to a skittering ghost.
I speak of bait and reeling and weight
Look here at this, I find only catfish
Out out, damn dot dot dot,
I’ll show this queer what I’ve got
You want a ghost?  I’ll head to the coast.
I’ll commit suicide and ruin his yuletide.
with my own gaslight, I’ll die come midnight
While I ghost myself, thou can go fuck thyself

TIDUS

So, Netflix and chill?

PALONIUS

I’ve got time to kill.

# Grappling Hook

An excerpt from #LifeInTheSuburbs

It was spring when I moved into Dead-Grandpa’s-House.  Spring is a time of new beginnings, of rebirth and renewal.  This spring was to be the great renewal of my friendship with Pete.  We’d been away from each other for far too long and now, suddenly, we are living together.  Spring is also happens to be the time of year that Pete’s birthday comes around.  Pete and his folks share a grand tradition on the anniversary of his birth.  Inspired by the ancient cuisine of the far east, Pete’s folks treat him to dinner at Chicago’s suburb’s finest hibachi-style-Japanese-steak-house-national-chain restaurant.

This year, I get to attend.

The four of us, Bob, Jan, Pete, and I sit around the hibachi table.  I hadn’t seen Pete’s folks in a while, so we’re catching up.  They’ve always considered me part of the family.  Especially Jan, Pete’s mom.  Every year she gets me Christmas presents, despite the fact that I don’t visit at Christmas.  Overly-excited to ask me questions, Jan delights in my overly-enthusiastic, rambling tales.  What she really wants to know is if I’ve found a girl yet.  Mothers, right?  The conversation is light-hearted and jovial.  The Japanese chef performs his samurai style cooking techniques.  With cunning agility, he slices and dices vegetables with the precision of a fruit ninja.  He deftly flips shrimp tails onto his stove-pipe chef’s hat.  He flips a shrimp tail into Pete’s shirt pocket, a flaky souvenir to come out in the next wash.  With flourish, he precariously spins eggs on spatulas and makes seemingly innocuous slices of onion into a billowing volcano.  All of us have experienced all of this before, but I’m a sucker for the showmanship.  I’m clapping and cheering for our talented juggler-chef.  Pete joins me with hearty ‘ooh’s and ‘awe’s.  Oh, and, of course, I should mention that we’re drinking Saki.  Not everyone, not the parents, but Pete and I are definitely drinking Saki.  Hot.  Lots of Saki.  In the commemorative photo they give us at the conclusion of our meal, Pete and I are red in the face.  I blame the red paper lantern lighting.  Well, I would if those words weren’t so particularly tricky at the moment.

I brought a gift!  I haven’t gotten Pete a gift in years.  I wanted to make it something memorable and outrageous.  The suburbs are littered with all the same mega-chain-stores that sell all the same, tired gifts; so that was out of the question.  Earlier, I had stopped in the city at a small shop I had never gone into before.  It’s a shop that was decorated overly conspicuously to look inconspicuous.  It was called ‘The Boring Store,’ and had signs all over the windows that said, ‘Nothing to see here,’ and, ‘Go away.’  I went right past the sandwich board that said, ‘Authorized Personnel Only,’ and opened the door that was labeled, ‘Definitely Closed!’  I’d bicycled past this store countless times, but never had the courage to go in.  For Pete, the risk was worth it.  I mustered my courage and opened the door immediately behind the first door that was labeled, ‘Alarm Will Sound.’  No alarm sounded.  I had assumed this would be the case, but damn had those sighns broken my will before.  Inside I found a wonderland of espionage equipment and James Bond gadgets!  Mini Walkie-Talkies, bow-tie cameras, night-vision goggles, invisible ink – the proprietor told me it was an empty jar, but I know invisible ink when I don’t see it.  Finally, with inflamed excitement, found what I was looking for.  As soon as I saw it, I knew what it was: Pete’s gift.   It came in the shape of a big, heavy, solid, honest-to-goodness grappling-hook.  A Grappling-Hook!  With a rope and everything!

So, now that you know the back story, it’s not so weird that Pete is standing in a Japanese steak house, drunk on Sake, holding a ceramic novelty samurai glass, and brazenly swinging a shiny grappling-hook.  Oh, and yelling.  He was yelling, “I’m the birthday ninja!”  But explain that to the manager.

We are escorted home.  Not by the manager, don’t be ridiculous, he only kicked us out.  The ride home was provided by Pete’s parents.  Conveniently for them, we both belong in the same place, now.  They dispose of us at Dead-Grandpa’s House.

The night still having some youth to it, I grab some beers from the fridge.  Pete does not acknowledge the beer.  He stares expectantly at me with an animated grin on his face.  With a twinkle in his eye and a grappling-hook clutched in his fists, he suggests we go outside and play.  Who am I to argue with that logic?  Sure it’s after dark, but there’s no point ending a birthday night early.  Somewhere in our Sake clouded minds we suddenly revert to our childhood selves at a sleepover and realize there are no rules to stop us anymore.  We charge outside with beers and laughter.  Pete chases me while swinging the grappling hook, both of us oblivious to the obvious medical catastrophe looming over the recklessness of the situation.  Giggling and sprinting, I hear the whirring of the swinging iron spiked hook behind me – so close I could almost get a static electric shock from it, or a concusion.  Nevertheless, Pete spies a nearby tree and his attention deficits itself on the true purpose of the device: climbing.  The grappling-hook glistens in the light of a street lamp as it arcs through the air.  A falling star glimmer of shiny black iron is the last we see of our ninja claw.

The grappling-hook is genuine.  It grapples. . . too well.  The rope, on the other hand, is not genuine.  Rather, it’s not a true rope.  What we discover only now is that the ‘rope’ a slick nylon sort, like plastic.  We hadn’t taken any precautions.  Tying knots, for instance, at regular intervals in this excuse for a rope might have made it climbable.  But we have the Sake blind will of steadfast lemmings.  We grapple with the rope.  Grasping and clutching, we are rewarded with no friction, no purchase, no chance of ascension.  We burn our hands on the rope, jumping as high as we can to grab the rope only to slide back down, over and over again.  We lift each other up to grab the rope ever higher only to crash back down like the puck on a carnival strongman game, never ringing the elusive bell.  I tie the rope around my waist because, well, that’s something.

Unexpectedly, Scott and Jimmy pull up to the house.  These two complete the group.  The four of us were inseparable in our younger days.  Now we’re more separable, but still close.  These guys have wives and kids.  Instead of fighting the lifestyle, these guys have embraced suburban life.  They came to see Pete for his birthday and find him uselessly yanking on the lowest branch of a tree, ferociously tugging and grunting as if impressing the tree with his strength will influence it to forfeit its treasure.  Of course, these gentlemen don’t ask questions, they take to the situation without hesitation.  This tree has done something bad and now we’re mad at the tree, this is evidenced enough without words to sully the fight.  We are men of action.  Next thing I know, Scott is standing on Pete and Jimmy’s interlocked arms.  I’m climbing on Scott’s shoulders reaching for a branch with which to gain purchase in the tree.  A light shines up in the tree.  How very helpful.

“That’s great, I can almost see it!” I shout down to the police officer pointing his car’s spotlight at me.

“Matty, I think that’s the cops,” Scott says nonchalantly up to me.  Scott doesn’t take too much seriously, not life, not limb, and definitely not police.  One time Scott got pulled over driving 70 in a 35.  The cop screamed, “What does it say?” He was pointing at the word, ‘Police’ on his car, but Scott read, aloud, the other words, “To Protect and Serve.”  That cop was not happy.  This cop doesn’t look happy, either.  Scott doesn’t care.  Unfortunately, the fools holding us up do care.

The pyramid under me collapses.  I fall out of the tree.

“What do you boys think you’re doing?” he asks as he alights his car.  Well, ‘alights’ implies a certain gracefulness.  This was more of a struggle.  With one hand on the frame of the door and one hand on the roof of the car he sort of undulates out; like, he scoots his belly a bit, then gets his legs aimed right, then gets his head out, and then gets his belly more out, etc.  It looks as though he’s unpracticed at the rare art of getting out of a car.  Suburban cops, it seems, are a different breed, entirely, from city cops.

We approach the cop to explain our situation.  He’s hiking his belt up about his belly and squares his shoulders as if to confront some disgruntled drunk teenagers.  As we get closer, though, his attitude changes.  What starts as an angry skepticism morphs into shocked incredulity.  It appears he’s slowing realizing he’s not dealing with hoodlums, but with the village idiots.  In disbelief, he watches giggling, thirty-year-old men stumble gaily towards him after having just fallen out of a tree in the middle of the night.

“Whose house is this?” asks our neighborhood defender, suspiciously.

Scott, Jimmy, and I all point towards Pete, or rather, where Pete was just standing.  Pete is no longer with us, it seems.  We all turn and scan the area.  It takes mere seconds to pinpoint his location.

We see Pete just beyond the hedges, moving in a mock-stealth-crouch-run like a cartoon villain, loudly whispering, “Birthday ninja!”

“I think you boys should get some sleep,” our Protector and Server concludes.  Then, as if embarrassed for us, leaves us to our folly.  In a rehearsed pratfall, he plops down on the seat of his cruiser.  The ninja’s cover of darkness returns as the officer cuts off the spotlight.

“We lost our grappling hook,” I finally explain, as if that should clear matters up.

“Uh-huh,” says the officer, clearly not mattered up.  “Just get that birthday boy inside, I don’t want to come back out here tonight.”

Scott lights up a cigarette, “Concurred.”

Jimmy grabs my beer and swigs, “Welcome back to the neighborhood, mat.”

Friends*

A monologue in verse
* with an asterisk

Come, my pretties, like pigs to the trough.
Gather ‘round and Snort and squeal and Cough
Suck at my bandwidth
Feed at my hand with…
Disregard to the urge to log off.

Grab your phones or sit at your laptop.
Don’t go play sports, forget the blacktop.
Tweet hashtags galore,
And get your pokes, whore
Now Farmville to become my cashcrop!

A querie: the past tense of tweet is what?
Is it tweeted or twitted or twut?
And what about when,
You’ve been caught again,
Tweet touting your penis or twat?

Now ladies don’t get angry with us,
We don’t give a shit ‘bout your muts,
I visit your wall to leach,
Pics of you at the beach,
And to troll your relationship status.

Facebook Friends have posted on your wall.
Friends in the past you would meet with or call.
But the picture they tag,
Is just some douche bag,
Perhaps you don’t know them at all.

A hundred-thousands friends to risk
Exist solely on your hard disk
Without even meeting,
Just follow their tweeting
Behold, you have Friends, with an ast’risk!

Grumble Goat

The Podcast

Athleisure Wear

Humankind is a herd species. We clump together. So within these clumps of people, self-expression becomes important to maintaining our […]

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Morality

Who are we? What do we want and what is our purpose? Discovering humanity begins in childhood. Society has a […]

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Procrastination

Being human is to err. The Master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried. To achieve greatness, […]

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Scary Cats

Once again the leaves wallow from the trees. Darkness encroaches. There are shadows of things creeping in the night. Even […]

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Cats

Humankind is the Apex predator on this planet, but we are not alone. Humanity has a best friend, a companion […]

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Sleep

All of Humankind is akin, from the earliest cave-dwellers to the astronauts floating in space stranded by Boeing, we are […]

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Jersey Tomatoes

Agriculture is, of course, how we grow our food, but it is also humanity’s most fundamental connection to the Earth. […]

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Feeding Birds

Evolution forges animals in a chaotic gauntlet of carnage and slaughter. Like a gladiatorial arena, only the strongest and fittest […]

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Monthly Subscriptions

Welcome to the Information Age! If you’re still reading this then you are already behind, because the information is flowing […]

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Scam Calls

Humankind is a collaborative species, and the key to collaboration is communication. From the first spoken language, to the advent […]

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Parking Brakes

The Earth has been dominated by different dynasties throughout the eons.  The Primordial Earth was governed by the amoeba, the […]

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Generational Gap

Humankind may be the ordained alpha of the Earth, but we are not free of the Circle of Life. Our […]

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Wipeout

The human body is a remarkable machine. It can be trained and shaped to extraordinary measures. The body builder grows […]

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Baseball

Summer in America is a magnificent smorgasbord of all things wonderfully Americana. Barbeques take place on our green lawns with […]

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Closing Time

Father time is the master of all life.  Seasons change, the universe descends into chaos, and all life has a […]

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Tech Support

Globalization is the climactic culmination of the evolution of Human Civilization. The modern era of connectivity is possible because we […]

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Deodorant

Humankind is the pinnacle of evolutionary advantage. We have conquered the planet, we have mapped the stars, we have trapped […]

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Hyper Realism

A podcaster sits at a computer to write an episode blurb. He stares out the window. Writing holds little interest […]

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Everything’s an App

In the modern era of high-paced, digital globalization, the only thing that hasn’t been relegated to binary data-points is the […]

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100 Calorie Packs

The era of Globalization has created a utopian society of plenty. Water comes right out of the walls and temperatures […]

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Sirens

A shrill noise in the night invokes an immediate sense of danger. A horn calling out across a valley will […]

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Doomsday Predictions

The end is nigh! The sun has been blighted and the Aztec calendar has ended! All of the eight prophesies […]

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Storage Lockers

Since the dawn of Humankind, we have had a proud tradition of Hunting and Gathering. While some still cling to […]

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Tipping in Advance

The exchange of money for goods and services is the cornerstone of civilization. Goods have value, and money has value; […]

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The News

Humanity has a natural inclination toward gossip. It’s an instinctive need that we’re constantly up to date on what’s happening. […]

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Half-Full Beverages

Water is the element of Life. The origins of life on earth may be enshrouded in mystery, but that it […]

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Leap Day

Since the dawn of Humankind, we have looked to the heavens for answers. The sun has always been our clock, […]

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Pillows

Life on Earth has evolved in a heartless, gladiatorial gauntlet of Survival of the Fittest. The eventual apex Champion of […]

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Sales

This President’s Day, America comes together to celebrate – like every holiday – the things that matter most to our […]

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Flowers

The Plant Kingdom and the Animal Kingdom have always lived in a delicate, symbiotic peace. The animals kindly exhale carbon […]

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The Word ‘Just’

Humanity is a duality.  ‘Humanity’ is defined by us, our species, humans, the animal that rose above all other beasts […]

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Snow

How privileged we have become, to love the snow. The pretty, white blanket has become a plaything to draw angels […]

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Tension

As the long arc of the universe slowly degrades toward entropy, so too is the path of our humanly bodies […]

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Glitter

The passage of time is marked by ritual. Birthdays are counted with tiny candles, Rush week is passed by getting […]

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Presents

Christmastime is upon us. It is the season of giving. We may share with our friends and family a token […]

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Summer

Humanity has very practically divided time into seconds and minutes and hours; but the gods have divided time into seasons. […]

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Costco

The trajectory of human commerce is a beautiful rainbow of collaboration. The unseemly origins of bartering melted away as we […]

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Plastic on Plastic

The long arc of Human history is divided into grandiose epochs that are defined by certain monumental discoveries. Ten-thousand years […]

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Aioli

In the course of its history, humankind has diversified itself into a vast array of unique cultures. One of the […]

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Halloween Weekend

Humanity has shaped the world around us to suit our needs. We have conquered all our discomforts. Our predators are […]

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The Cold

Autumn is here. The thermostat dips lower by the day. Sunlight slips through the bare branches of the trees before […]

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Forced Audience

Theatre has been part of the Human experience since the dawn of creation. Before the first hieroglyph was ever etched, […]

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Apple Pay

One of the most complex systems that humankind has created is Commerce. From our ancient origins of fighting to the […]

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Traffic Court

The Game of Life is a nuanced, open-world role-playing game that everybody gets to play once. While some stats are […]

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The Gondolas of Santorini

Santorini is a beautiful island off the coast of Greece. A collapsed volcano has left a striking, sheer cliff rising […]

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Cruise Food

Cruise Food

Humankind has always taken to the sea.  We are addicted to exploration, to discovery, to peeking over the horizon and […]

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Tour groups

Tour Groups

Humankind is a herd animal. We gather. Like lemmings to a cliff, we follow where the herd goes. We gather […]

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Travel Days

Travel Days

From humanity’s origins in Africa, it took around 100,000 years to spread across the globe. The pace of that journey […]

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Tourists

The Twenty-First Century is a wondrous time to exist. Humanity now enjoys an age where we can safely see the […]

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Bar Snack Utensils

Eons of evolution have culminated in creating the perfect form of life: Humankind. Unfortunately, it didn’t bother cleaning up after […]

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Barbeque Chips

Summertime is a joyous time. The quintessential image of peak happiness is the sun shining from a blue sky on […]

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The Price of Gas

The Price of Gas

Humanity has plunged into the Cyber Age at terminal velocity. Everything must move at the speed of light. High-speed internet, […]

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Zak Chapter 2

Grumble Goat is off this week! So Mat has commandeered the feed to bring you a preview of his fantasy-adventure […]

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Spoiler Alert!

Spoilers

A picture says a thousand words. But those words are silent, and they are in your head, and it’s really […]

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Sauce Gatekeepers

Sauce Gatekeepers

Machines require lubrication. The clockwork motion of gears and levers grinds to a halt without the grease. Proper lubrication is […]

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Ice Water

Ice Water

Humankind matured into a collective during the last Ice Age. The frigid Earth was an inhospitable place for our furless […]

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Blue Apron

Blue Apron

The 21st Century is a fast-paced, bustling cacophony of technologically enhanced productivity.  Computers, cell phones, and Artificial Intelligence have turned […]

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Reusable Bags

Reusable Bags

In the vast, empty blackness of the Universe, there is one frail, tiny pebble bobbing along on the gravitational waves […]

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Zak: the Hew-Man

Veronique is off this week! So Mat has commandeered the feed to bring you a preview of his fantasy-adventure novel, […]

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Exercise

Exercise

The Human Body is the perfect biological machine.  With over a million years of R&D, this high precision work of […]

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Smart Watches

Smart Watches

Humanity is experiencing a Technological Age heretofore unimaginable to the amoebas that began life on Earth. Unfortunately, it is happening […]

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Naps

Naps

The Human Brain is an incredibly complex biological supercomputer. It has sysadmin privileges over every other organic function in the […]

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Dating App Deceit

We are living in the Digital Age. It is an era of Renaissance and upheaval. The old, analog ways are […]

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Being Handed Things

Being Handed Things

While there are a handful of advantages Humankind can claim over the rest of the beasts of the Earth, it […]

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Toilet Paper

Humanity has evolved well beyond the limitations of our animal origins. Our structures of steel and glass practically scrape the […]

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Elevator Etiquette

Elevator Etiquette

The Meaning of Life is remarkably simple, cherish the people that are close to you. Unfortunately, ‘Close,’ in this instance, […]

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Holidays End

Holidays’ End

As the year draws to an end, the world celebrates. A cornucopia of feasts and festivals replace the dwindling sunlight. […]

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Gift Wrapping

One of the many joyous traditions practiced in this Holiday Season is the exchanging of gifts. Gifts, ultimately, are just […]

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Hanukkah

The holiday season is the crashing climax that reverberates through the end of the year. Every holiday is another rite […]

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Plate Pirates

The Harvest is the most important time of the year. Though most of our farming has been given to the […]

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Unnecessary Touching

Humankind is a herd animal. We function best in groups. Thus, by instinct, we crave human connections. ‘Feeling’ may be […]

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Cyber Monday

The Earth revolves around the sun in a complacent rhythm. At no point in the history of the universe did […]

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Sound Leveling

Humankind’s main advantage is our intelligence. We have conquered the Earth and unlocked the secret Physical Laws of the universe. […]

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Bacon!

Bacon

There is a savage side to the human race. There is a carnal obsession forged inside of us that overwhelms […]

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Trick or Treat

The night is dark and full of terrors. A creaky floorboard in the middle of the night is enough to […]

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Cell Phone Policies

Life on our planet is divided into two Kingdoms: Plants and Animals. Basic, simple, and fundamental. In much the same […]

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The Tin Can

Bonus Content! Grumbles happen in the moment. Once the engines of Grumbling have revved up, it’s hard to maintain a […]

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Vegging Out

The human body is the ultimate machine. Able to perform any number of tasks, move on its own, and think […]

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Mornings

Despite our advanced digital civilization, Humankind are still organic, natural beasts. We must eat and breathe, we must cut our […]

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Line Bunching

Humankind’s domination of the planet has created a population explosion. Unfortunately, the Earth only possesses limited resources. There’s a finite […]

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Box Liquid

The world is a messy place. Earth is a chaotic, teeming, moist stew of life, death, decay, and El Ninos. […]

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Commercials

As humankind developed, our ancestors decided that different grunts could have different meanings. From language’s humble beginnings, it did not […]

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Slow Moving People

Behold! The future is now! Long has humankind dreamed of an age where labor could be performed by automaton. Fields […]

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The Beach

Eons ago, somewhere along our long evolutionary line, a creature had sense enough to get out of the ocean. The […]

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People on Bicycles

Life is driven by rhythm. There are heartbeats, breaths, and circadian rhythms. And so, collectively, society has rhythms. Like an […]

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Minions

The new term for ‘Mainstream Popularity,’ is ‘Going Viral.’ The national attention used to be captured by iconic trends that […]

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Humidity

Humidity

At some point along the evolutionary timeline, some creature had sense enough to get out of the water. A quick […]

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Memorization

If all the world is a stage, then it must be the abandoned studio floor of Whose Line is it […]

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Heels

Guest Grumbler: Christina Germaine Evolution may have created the intelligent mind and sinuous body that is humankind, but humankind has […]

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Strangers Taking Pictures

The Digital Age has led to an explosion of photography. Since we all have our phones in our hand twenty-four […]

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Reruns: Listening

We don’t have a fresh Grumble this week, but it may be time to revisit the topic of ‘Listening.’ It […]

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Food Commentary

Food is life. Food is the very foundation of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Humans need food multiple times every single […]

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Nonsense Photographs

In our fleeting mortality, humans have long dreamed of capturing a moment in time. The long, arduous evolution from cave-paintings […]

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Happy Endings

Civilization is nothing more than a collection of stories. The encyclopedia is the running catalogue of tales that make up […]

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Birthdays

After names, the most fundamental identity we have is age. Any news article, wanted poster, or Bumble match lists that […]

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Reruns: Gift Giving

Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! In honor of Guest Grumbler, Spencer’s birthday, […]

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Garbage by the Door

Since the advent of cave-painting, humankind has developed a taste for a well-kept home. From the chimney sweep to Marie […]

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Mascara

From the ancient days of humankind, we have captured the beauty of the world in the form of painting. From […]

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Reruns: 10,000 Steps

Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! Winner of the G.O.A.T. Award for Best […]

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Honking

No animal has mastered the use of sound like Humankind has. We invented language. We invented music. We didn’t invent […]

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Hating Taxes

There are few things as universally reviled in this world as the repugnant idea of taxes. The image of the […]

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School Lunch

Guest grumbler: Mike Figs! Humanity currently holds the deed to the Earth. The dinosaurs once held this privilege, which they […]

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G.O.A.T. Awards!

Welcome to the first annual G.O.A.T. Awards! Awards season is upon us, and just like the Hollywood elite, the content […]

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Grumbles

Humankind is set apart from the rest of the Kingdom of Animals.  For instance, our thumbs are backward.  But the […]

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The Apocalypse

The end is nigh.  The Fourth Horseman, Conquest, has just reared his head in Russia, joining his brothers Pestilence, Famine, […]

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Calling Women Girl

Since time immemorial, humanity has looked to its elders for sage wisdom. Crows feet carry more respect than an Ivy […]

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Roommates

A home is a sacred concept. A healthy mind requires a safe haven that we can call our own. The […]

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Valentines Day

The digital age has changed the way humankind interacts with the world. The sun is a convenient light source, but […]

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Being Away

Being Away

There is, in humankind, an innate desire for exploration. We long to see what’s just over the horizon. We turn […]

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Dibs – Chicago Style

Ownership is something that humankind takes very seriously. For real estate we have deeds. For vehicles we have titles. For […]

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Streaming Algorithms

Of the many types of conflict humanity faces, the supreme first-world conflict of the modern age is Man vs. Boredom. […]

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Fast Food Menus

In ages past, on a cold and drizzly night, weary travelers might have boarded their horses and themselves at a […]

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New Year’s Eve

Humanity has always longed to peek into the future. Soothsayers and shamans have long bilked the laymen with promises of […]

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Reruns: Christmas Music

Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! From last Winter: The Winter Solstice approacheth. […]

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Mispronouncing Names

Mispronouncing Names

Evolution has blessed humankind with innumerable cheat-codes for domination over nature. Not least of which is the power of complex […]

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Fench Fries

French Fries

Guest grumbler: Gaby Labotka Any cuisinier would tell you that the most crucial aspect of any dish is proper pairing. […]

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Blowing Up

Blowing Things Up

Guest Grumbler: Kevin Paley In the post pandemic world we are experiencing worker shortages, soaring gas prices, and supply chain […]

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Avocado Toast

Guest Grumbler: Darius Anthony Robinson Society relies on ritual. Like putting a pine tree in our homes at the start […]

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Thanksgiving

Thanks Giving

There is much in our world to be grateful for. Air travel, edible underwear, or online quizzes to tell us […]

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Pumpkin Spice

Reruns: Pumpkin Spice

Back by popular demand! Veronique wants to share her favorite episode this week! From last Autumn: All Hallow’s Eve is […]

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Being Sick

It is the age of technology. Civilians have the ability to joyride into space. Warfare has evolved into isolated strikes […]

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Grim Grumbling Ghosts

The days are growing shorter. The darkness encroaches as the weather grows chill. The veil to the nether seems more […]

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Nuclear Power

Nuclear Power

Earth is more than a rock. Gaia, or Mother Nature, has gifted us with bountiful energy. The ocean currents rage […]

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Malls

Civilizations develop around commerce. Communities begin with trade and bartering; but a city, a capital, a metropolis hatches from a […]

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Awkward Commercials

Awkward Commercials

Guest Grumbler: Emeka Nwafor Trading goods and services is a natural part of life. Crows and cats pay for food […]

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Dog Poop

Rainy Day Dog Poop

In our long history, humans have created many companions: Tamagotchi, Roomba, Zune, Shake Weight… but no artificial companion will ever […]

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Unwaxed Bowling Lanes

Since time immemorial, humankind has celebrated the athlete. There is a primal sense of combat in sport which allows us […]

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Motorcycles

Motorcycles

Guest grumbler: Molly Densmore The dawn of civilization – the moment humanity ascended above all other animals as the one […]

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Online Recipes

Life relies on certain elemental replenishments. There is Oxygen – tasteless, odorless, monotonous air. There is water – which we’ve […]

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Iced Cappuccino

Guest grumbler: Mary Elise Jones One of the most primal and eternal conflicts in the universe is the everlasting battle […]

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Bicycle Laws

The automobile has revolutionized human civilization in countless ways: drive-ins, drive-throughs, drive-ways, parking garages, walk-signals, etc. Cars far outnumber humans […]

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Toe Rings

Guest grumbler: Patricia McCarthy Through the long eons of life on this planet, evolution has sculpted the most efficient, perfect […]

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Measuring Things

Guest Grumbler: Corey Thompson Previous to the internet age, information sharing across the globe was logistically improbably. Ergo, as civilizations […]

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Subway Hate

The billions of cells that make up our bodies all require oxygen. Evolution has provided a streamlined solution to this […]

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Lengthy Podcasts

The internet has reversed the erstwhile stream of entertainment. Content used to flow down to the masses from elite studios; […]

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Organic Food

The universe is a vast, empty vacuum of nothingness, dotted here and there with noxious gasses and dead rocks. Earth, […]

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High Fructose Corn Syrup

Our lives are often based on routine. Easily, we slip into the schedule of work and sleep. But enrichment comes […]

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Gate Crowding

Humankind loves a crowd. We are a social animal. The ‘gatherer’ in ‘Hunter/Gatherer’ may often be mistaken for gathering of […]

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Individualized Plans

The modern world that we’ve created is driven by algorithms. Every human is numbered at birth, every car has a […]

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Umbrellas

In the vast expanse of the universe, Life is seemingly unique to Earth. When we discover new planets, the very […]

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Paper Towels

As the universe erodes into entropy, humankind instinctively tantrums against nature’s inevitable transition into chaos. We like order. Whether it’s […]

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Absolutes

Guest Grumbler: Michael Giansiracusa “Never has the world been more divided. Every single person is always at peak rage. The […]

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Overhead Lighting

Guest grumbler: Hannah Karpenko In mankind’s eternal quest to bring light into the darkness, we have unlocked maddening varieties of […]

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Twelve Hour Clocks

Guest Grumbler: Allyson Boate Since the dawn of civilization, humanity has stared toward the heavens, calculating the movement of the […]

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Oscar Films

In a world – still reeling from the echoes of accusations of a rigged election – a shady entity of […]

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National Day Calendar

Humankind was not meant to toil away in a daily grind.  We are a social animal, and while work is […]

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Garnishes

Guest Grumbler: Kris Ortiz Water, while necessary for life to exist, is boring; but a bright splash of yellow and […]

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Hair

Guest Grumbler: Kim Gant Our hair is precious. It’s our personality. It’s our identity. Every single day we fix our […]

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A.I. Morality

It is the dawn of a new existential era for humankind.  Technology heretofore existed to assist human tasks.  Machines now […]

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What Can I Bring

Guest grumbler: Bill Janisse Humankind is a social animal. From gathering around a fire to grandiose ballroom cotillions, socializing is […]

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Phantom Drip

French press, pour-over, cold-brew, or nitro-draught?  The search for the perfect cup of coffee is the modern day alchemy.  But […]

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Jeans in Bed

Guest Grumbler: Rocio Mendez Nightclothes come in a multitude of genres. As a child, pajamas are a comfy cosplay of […]

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Pronouncing February

There is no question on the linguistic abuses of the English language. The labyrinthian guidelines and the chaotic use of […]

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Football Rules

America’s most ostentatious contribution to the art of sport; the gridiron of goliaths in our modern day coliseums that fight […]

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Gift Giving

Guest grumbler: Spencer Hadel Generosity sometimes seems like a dwindling trait. The fast-paced, cynical world we inhabit would scoff off […]

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Butter Knives

A properly set table requires a daunting amount of silverware. Each tool in its proper place has a specific function […]

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Double Parking

There was a plague in this city before the Corona Virus. A biblical-sized plague with an infection rate of one-hundred […]

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iPad Registers

Traditionally, transactions at stores and restaurants involve nothing more than communicating with a store representative. That employee then handles all […]

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Sport Utility Vehicles

Picture the American dream of the open road, the rugged outdoorsman traverses the high-desert of the wild west. The dawning […]

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Peanut Butter Desserts

Guest Grumbler: Danae Ervin Peanut butter is a classic staple of American food stuffs. It is, to most of us, […]

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Resolutions

As with the blind optimism of an impromptu, liquor-fueled, Las Vegas wedding, New Years Eve is a time to blurt […]

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Blaming 2020

Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives… typically. But the days of 2020 were a […]

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Sponges

Guest Grumbler: Jonathan Zapata Some people argue that the modern consumer is too detached from food production, but what about […]

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Ketchup

Humanity, in its diversity, has created a vast menu of limitless cuisine. The intricacies of delicacies are as numerous and […]

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Christmas Music

The Winter Solstice approacheth. While the days grow shorter, we begin preparations for a long winter with everybody’s favorite, age-old, […]

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Door Handles

Doors have always captivated the human imagination. Portals to undiscovered locations, thresholds that block nefarious faeries, secret hideouts with secret […]

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Grumble Blocking

Casual passing of judgement is fundamental to the human experience. Communication is not unique to Mankind; dolphins and bees, for […]

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Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

All Hallow’s Eve is upon us. The darkness creeps in earlier and earlier. The trees have shed their leaves, leaving […]

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Underwear

Guest Grumbler: Virginia Rupert Some might wear their hearts on their sleeve, but all of us cover our unmentionable bits […]

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Cigarette Filters

Cigarettes are cool..? All of our 70’s era heroes smoked. You what’s not cool? Safety gear. James Bond drinks martinis […]

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Coconut Milk

No longer are we beholden to the cow for milk. We have weened ourselves from the udder addiction and replaced […]

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Neti Pots

Guest Grumbler: Logan Kovach The Human Body is a magnificent vessel of biotic efficiency. What an incredible vehicle to experience […]

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Online Quizzes

Social Media has been hijacked by a fantasy world of online quizzes. Replacing the Astrological Charts of yore, these personality […]

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Voice Command

Communicating with the machines is a task we leave to the highly specialized ‘programmer’ class. These ‘programmers’ are the modern […]

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Checking Out

The great American journey was built on consumerism. Shopping Malls, Strip Malls, Outlet Malls, and Wholesale Big Box stores are […]

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Listening

Ding! You have three new messages. Distractions are omnipresent in today’s society. Ding, you have a new notification. It’s difficult […]

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Trucks

America, from sea to shining sea, is crisscrossed with beautiful open roads. Somehow these alluring stretches of highway have become […]

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Kitchen Gadgets

The kitchen is the heart of the home. Family traditions have been passed down through casseroles and cookies. Somehow, though, […]

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Sports Draft

Sports, America’s favorite pastime. Gone are the days when backyard, sandlotters become local heroes. Now, millionaires get traded across the […]

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DNA Testing

The 21-Century gives mankind many opportunities to trade privacy for a hit of dopamine. A photo goes to Instagram and […]

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Masks

This episode has been archived and is only available to our Patreon subscribers! Guest Grumbler: Dr. Lori Labotka, Ph.D. A […]

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Web Hate

Opinions used to be a personal position on a topic that one could use to socialize. Now, social media has […]

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Bathroom Odors

In humankind’s eternal quest to alleviate ourselves, we have isolated the most embarrassing of our animal baseness to one room. […]

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Alarm Clocks

Waking up is an activity that everyone performs every day. In lieu of a rooster, most people use a device. […]

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Haircuts

We are living in an age of hyper communication. Through social media, any plebian can clearly communicate their thoughts to […]

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Paranoid

It’s time for the ‘rona episode. Twenty-four hour news cycles move faster than a virus, so ‘facts’ come faster and […]

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Series

As attention spans narrow, it’s ironic that stories are lengthening. The classic, stand-alone film era has been purged and replaced […]

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Almost Automated Bathrooms

Modern public facilities are marvels of 90’s motion-sensor technology. It seems every toilet and faucet are equipped with a confusing […]

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Tofu

In a global world, where every taste and flavor on the planet is available at you local grocer’s, it’s almost […]

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Self Driving

Math, navigation, privacy, finding a mate; these are some of the responsibilities we’ve given up to the machine. Driving, on […]

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Diet Coke

The produce section of the supermarket slowly dwindles as consumers buy more processed, fat-free, gluten-free, artificially-sweetened, instant, consequence free “food.” […]

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Phone-Tasking

In the high-paced information-age we live in, phone calls are the rare moments that we can be by ourselves and […]

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I.P.A.s

India Pale Ale: a godsend for thirsty British sailors; a cliched standard for craft beer. Gone are the days of […]

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Spatial Unawareness

Space, the final frustration. In the days before the legally mandated six-foot personal space, mankind was plagued by social ineptitude. […]

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Paper Straws

Paper beats rock, but water destroys paper. Paper straws work better as paper-mache than beverage delivery. Is there no better […]

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Wire Hangers

Wire clothes hangers – inexpensive alternative or closet catastrophe? At first glance, the space-saving simplicity may seem convenient, but these […]

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Children’s Food

The Venn Diagram of kid’s food to junk food is just one circle. Counting-calories, dressing-on-the-side, anti-oxidant super-foods are boring fads […]

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10,000 Steps

Historically, wrist watches have benefited mankind by counting the day in units of time. But now, in this digital era, […]

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Cash Only

In a bygone era, the world used physical tokens to transfer money. Precious metals and woven-cotton might be handed to […]

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Bags

Modern consumerism demands that everything be put in a bag. Two bags where possible. Let’s travel through time to discover […]

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Scents

Basic-human-scent is not an option. Soap, shampoo, deodorant, and detergent all have unique scents. What are we, as humans, supposed […]

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Gluten

Beware the scourge of gluten! Headaches used to be caused by gnomes living in your brain, well now the plebeians […]

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Grumble Goat on Avocados

Avocados

Capitalistic norms follow the precedent of ‘supply and demand.’ Until avocados. The economy trips over itself on the issue of […]

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Escalators

Mini elevators or helpful stairs? How can society know the difference? Mat and Veronique get to the bottom (or top) […]

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Gum

The inaugural episode of Grumble Goat, where we discuss one of the ugliest habits plaguing our society today. Join Mat […]

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Grumble Goat: The Trailer

In a world with much to Grumble about, two heroes emerge. Meet Mat, the darkly sarcastic comedian with an acute […]

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